On the Eating of Crow

Yesterday afternoon, I learned through first-hand experience that even family scientists with Ph.D.s can goof up and make a mess of things. Let me explain.

I was standing in our driveway, when our teenaged son opened the back door. He kept the door open for what I perceived to be an unreasonably long period of time. The thrifty (my wife would probably use the words "tightwad" or "cheapskate") side of me immediately started thinking about the air conditioner being on, the cold air escaping, and the electricity bill, so I asked him to close the door. He delayed complying with my request and started saying something, but I tuned out what he was trying to tell me as my mind screamed, "Defiance! Rebellion! Disobedience!" And then I did it. I shouted as loudly as I could, "CLOSE THE DOOR!"

Our son slammed the backdoor and retreated into his bedroom (slamming that door also) where he could be heard fussing, fuming, and banging his head on the wall out of anger and hurt. It wasn't long before my wife came outside and asked, "What was that all about?" And then I did it again. I yelled at my wife, basically accusing her of coming to our son's rescue when he was clearly (in my mind) in the wrong. As you might imagine, without going into details, my wife didn't respond favorably.

Anyway, there you have it. I had acted like an idiot, flown off the handle, and upset my wife and son. The learned scholar and purported expert on all things relationship and family had made a mess of things. For 15-20 minutes, I stewed in my own anger, ticked off at what I perceived as my son's defiance and my wife's taking his side against me. Gradually, as things cooled down, I learned that our son was holding the door open so that our dog could come outside with us. That's what he was trying to say before I began my episode of idiocy. I also learned that my wife was not attacking me or taking our son's side against me. She was just trying to figure out what had upset him. Guess who felt like a fool?

In the end, I had to acknowledge that I was in the wrong and apologized profusely to both my wife and son.

If there's any good to be taken from what transpired yesterday, it's that I was reminded of lots of simple little lessons in a short amount of time. For instance, I learned the importance of: (1) listening and letting people finish what they're saying before responding, (2)not making assumptions about people's intentions, (3) thinking before speaking, (4) taking time-outs when stressed or upset, or at the very least, biting your tongue and keeping your mouth shut when angry, (5)admitting when you're wrong and asking for forgiveness, (6) recognizing that having a Ph.D. in Human Development and Family Studies does not render one immune to making mistakes with regard to one's relationships and family.

(And just so you know, I talked with my wife about writing this piece, and she was okay with it.)

Why We Divorce (Strictly Anecdotal!)

Well, Tipper and Al Gore are kaput!  What is the world coming to?   After that kiss at the convention!  After 40 years!

This morning on the way to try a divorce case, I was listening to NPR’s Morning Edition discuss the Gore situation.  The conclusion of the article is that, basically, the Gores have “grown apart”  (what I call “drift”), and  that this is a common evolution of a relationship. 

The narrator indicated that the Gores fit in the category she refers to as “the second wave of divorce,” referring to couples who have lasted in a marriage more than twenty years and their increased risk of divorce.  Her take?  “Let’s not call it a ‘tragedy,’ but celebrate it as a part of life…”  So, marriage-for-life seems kaput, too.

Why do people divorce?  Well, if you’re talking the “root” causation, I’d have to say things like rank selfishness and unrealistic expectations, as discussed in Dr. Phillips’ recent post here , play a part.  But this post concerns immediate causes—the events or characteristics that people claim as the reason for their divorce. 

As a divorce attorney I do have a window into this.  In my state, we still require grounds for divorce unless the parties have been continuously separated for a period of 18 months.  Therefore, in most cases it is necessary for a party seeking a divorce to declare what his/her grounds for divorce are—the other party must be found at fault.  Furthermore, if  the divorce is contested, the grounds must be proven by third-party corroboration.  Likewise, an “innocent” party who is sued for divorce can stall the divorce for at least 18 months in absence of proof of grounds. 

The wisdom of requiring grounds over a no-fault statue is a whole ‘nother post, but I feel it brewing…

My staff and I discussed this topic and arbitrarily decided that we would inventory the last 75 divorce files we have opened.  Here are the stats as we found them—real life in action—from least numerous to  most numerous reason for divorce in these cases (can you hear the drum roll?):

Primary Cause for Divorce	No. Cases Found
Family Interference (parents hated daughter-in-law and won)	1
Finances.  Sole stated reason for divorce.  I believe financial strain plays a role in other divorces.	1
Mental Illness.  Whew! No doubt on this one…mental illness was THE cause.	1
Pornography addiction named as sole reason (pornography also played a stated part in approximately 6 other divorces, maybe more.  We are seeing internet and “Craig’s list sex” type of involvement more and more)	1
Incest (grandfather/ granddaughter). Caused divorce of grandparents (Thank God! You have no idea how often I see spouses of perps take up for them).	1
Drug Addiction (drugs played a part in several other divorces, too).  In these three cases, drug addiction was the stated ground for divorce.  Financial devastation reigned in all three…lost savings, foreclosure in one case, etc.	3
Domestic Violence (one was wife battering husband, repeatedly and undeniably)	6
Alcoholism (this were stated primary reasons—alcohol played a part in others)	6
Wife committed adultery	6
“Drift.”  This is the term I use when client says “We grew apart” or some such and there is no other visible cause.  To be truthful, rarely do I really believe this is the cause…”drift” often is a euphemism for something they don’t want to discuss, as I sometimes unhappily find out in trial.	9
NO. 1 REASON FOR DIVORCE:  Husband committed adultery	38

And, now, Survey Says: the No. 1 stated reason for divorce in my files is Cheatin’ Husbands!  I knew that would be the case before this tabulation, but even I was surprised by the margin.

And, yes, I represent cheaters, too.

Just an observation that came to me as I wrote this: Rarely do I see divorce after initial discovery of an affair if the cheater repents.  I cannot think of a case right now where someone “knee-jerked” a divorce action over a one-time fling and maintained it until final hearing.  It has been my experience that people are fairly forgiving of adultery if  there is change and repentance. 

On the other hand, my experience has been (and it may just be my sample) that people who cheat once during a marriage will usually do so again.  But, this may be a function of the fact that people who come to me because of cheating spouses are already fed up—I may just not get to see those who change their ways!

And, so you know, I do tend to represent more women than men.  Only 25% of these files were men, which did surprise me…didn’t realize my caseload was that woman-heavy!  Guess more women want a woman lawyer.  Again, this may skew my figures from the “norm,” but I am confident that the order of the causes would remain the same of any such list in our jurisdiction.

Back to Tipper and Al: they’re claiming “drift,” aren’t they?  Well, my cynicism and practiced eye tells me that’s not the whole story.  I’m going out on a limb here and predicting (on the worldwide web, no less) that because of the public’s eye on this couple, we’ll soon find out that their divorce will fall in that No. 1 category (you know, that 1999 “Al’s an Alpha male” comment and all)…time will tell.

And, really, I must say to Morning Edition that never—not in 31 years of family law practice—have I seen a case where the divorcing couple viewed it as a “celebration of life.”  Sheesh!

It's Not Me. It's You.

All too often, when we find ourselves feeling dissatisfied or experiencing problems in our relationships, we point fingers, place blame, and really start focusing on our partners and what we perceive to be their faults or shortcomings. We think to ourselves that if our partners were somehow different, if they would just change, if they would stop doing what they're doing, or start doing what they're not doing, our relationships would be better and we would be happier.

However, when we engage in such thinking, we disregard the role that we ourselves play in our relationships and the level of satisfaction or dissatisfaction that we experience in our relationships. To use a worn-out cliché, it takes two to tango. Relationship problems seldom result from the actions of one partner alone. Sometimes they do, but frequently, they don't.

Instead of focusing on what's wrong with our partners, and expecting and demanding that they change, maybe we should focus a bit less on our partners' faults, whether real or imagined, and focus a bit more on ourselves and our contributions to our relationships. We should ask ourselves questions such as, "How can I be a better partner in this relationship?" "What can I do to improve this relationship?" "How am I contributing to this problem?" A final suggestion is to keep our expectations regarding our partners and our relationships realistic. Real people and real relationships seldom match up to the ideals presented in romance novels, Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movies, and fairy tales.

The Myth of the Right Partner

I believe in giving credit where credit is due, and Cynthia's post got me thinking about this. Anyway, I guess this post sort of piggybacks onto the story that Cynthia posted the other day.

Sometimes, when we find themselves dissatisfied in relationships, we assume that the problem is with our partners, and we think that all of our relationship problems would magically disappear and everything would be hunky-dory if we were just with the right person. That's known as the myth of the right partner (aka "the grass is always greener on the other side" delusion).

We need to keep in mind, however, that the other person isn't always the problem. Sometimes the problem is with the couple's relationship skills (or lack thereof). Sometimes we're the problem, as reluctant as we may be to admit that to ourselves.

The problem with subscribing to the myth of the right partner is that it can lead us to bounce from one relationship to another, always in search of that evasive "right" partner who we imagine will complete us, help us to have and enjoy the perfect, conflict-free relationship, and so on. It can also lead us to abandon relationships that may be salvageable without making very much of an effort to work on those relationships.

Realistic Expectations

The expectations we have for our partners and our relationships play an important part in the level of satisfaction we experience in our relationships, as well as the success or failure of our relationships. If we set our expectations too high, the result can be disappointment, dissatisfaction, and even the dissolution of the relationship as our partners and relationships fail to live up to our excessively high and unrealistic expectations.

Much has been written in the literature about how people's expectations for marriage today are much higher than they were in the past. Many people today expect so much from their marriages and their spouses that there's simply no way a real person or a real relationship can ever meet their naïve and inflated expectations. This is actually a major, but little discussed, factor in our nation's high divorce rate. It's actually quite common for people to expect their spouses to be their soul-mates…it's not sufficient to be a mere husband or wife…you also need to be a soul-mate who fulfills your spouse's every emotional need and who knows what your spouse is thinking without him or her needing to say a word, and that's asking a heck of a lot from a real person. The concept of a soul-mate makes for good romantic fiction, but I think that most family scientists would agree that, in real life, it's not realistic or fair to expect our spouses to be our soul-mates.

The message I want to impart here is not to have low expectations for one's romantic partners and relationships, but rather to have realistic expectations.