On the Eating of Crow

Yesterday afternoon, I learned through first-hand experience that even family scientists with Ph.D.s can goof up and make a mess of things. Let me explain.

I was standing in our driveway, when our teenaged son opened the back door. He kept the door open for what I perceived to be an unreasonably long period of time. The thrifty (my wife would probably use the words "tightwad" or "cheapskate") side of me immediately started thinking about the air conditioner being on, the cold air escaping, and the electricity bill, so I asked him to close the door. He delayed complying with my request and started saying something, but I tuned out what he was trying to tell me as my mind screamed, "Defiance! Rebellion! Disobedience!" And then I did it. I shouted as loudly as I could, "CLOSE THE DOOR!"

Our son slammed the backdoor and retreated into his bedroom (slamming that door also) where he could be heard fussing, fuming, and banging his head on the wall out of anger and hurt. It wasn't long before my wife came outside and asked, "What was that all about?" And then I did it again. I yelled at my wife, basically accusing her of coming to our son's rescue when he was clearly (in my mind) in the wrong. As you might imagine, without going into details, my wife didn't respond favorably.

Anyway, there you have it. I had acted like an idiot, flown off the handle, and upset my wife and son. The learned scholar and purported expert on all things relationship and family had made a mess of things. For 15-20 minutes, I stewed in my own anger, ticked off at what I perceived as my son's defiance and my wife's taking his side against me. Gradually, as things cooled down, I learned that our son was holding the door open so that our dog could come outside with us. That's what he was trying to say before I began my episode of idiocy. I also learned that my wife was not attacking me or taking our son's side against me. She was just trying to figure out what had upset him. Guess who felt like a fool?

In the end, I had to acknowledge that I was in the wrong and apologized profusely to both my wife and son.

If there's any good to be taken from what transpired yesterday, it's that I was reminded of lots of simple little lessons in a short amount of time. For instance, I learned the importance of: (1) listening and letting people finish what they're saying before responding, (2)not making assumptions about people's intentions, (3) thinking before speaking, (4) taking time-outs when stressed or upset, or at the very least, biting your tongue and keeping your mouth shut when angry, (5)admitting when you're wrong and asking for forgiveness, (6) recognizing that having a Ph.D. in Human Development and Family Studies does not render one immune to making mistakes with regard to one's relationships and family.

(And just so you know, I talked with my wife about writing this piece, and she was okay with it.)

Why We Divorce (Strictly Anecdotal!)

Well, Tipper and Al Gore are kaput!  What is the world coming to?   After that kiss at the convention!  After 40 years!

This morning on the way to try a divorce case, I was listening to NPR’s Morning Edition discuss the Gore situation.  The conclusion of the article is that, basically, the Gores have “grown apart”  (what I call “drift”), and  that this is a common evolution of a relationship. 

The narrator indicated that the Gores fit in the category she refers to as “the second wave of divorce,” referring to couples who have lasted in a marriage more than twenty years and their increased risk of divorce.  Her take?  “Let’s not call it a ‘tragedy,’ but celebrate it as a part of life…”  So, marriage-for-life seems kaput, too.

Why do people divorce?  Well, if you’re talking the “root” causation, I’d have to say things like rank selfishness and unrealistic expectations, as discussed in Dr. Phillips’ recent post here , play a part.  But this post concerns immediate causes—the events or characteristics that people claim as the reason for their divorce. 

As a divorce attorney I do have a window into this.  In my state, we still require grounds for divorce unless the parties have been continuously separated for a period of 18 months.  Therefore, in most cases it is necessary for a party seeking a divorce to declare what his/her grounds for divorce are—the other party must be found at fault.  Furthermore, if  the divorce is contested, the grounds must be proven by third-party corroboration.  Likewise, an “innocent” party who is sued for divorce can stall the divorce for at least 18 months in absence of proof of grounds. 

The wisdom of requiring grounds over a no-fault statue is a whole ‘nother post, but I feel it brewing…

My staff and I discussed this topic and arbitrarily decided that we would inventory the last 75 divorce files we have opened.  Here are the stats as we found them—real life in action—from least numerous to  most numerous reason for divorce in these cases (can you hear the drum roll?):

Primary Cause for Divorce	No. Cases Found
Family Interference (parents hated daughter-in-law and won)	1
Finances.  Sole stated reason for divorce.  I believe financial strain plays a role in other divorces.	1
Mental Illness.  Whew! No doubt on this one…mental illness was THE cause.	1
Pornography addiction named as sole reason (pornography also played a stated part in approximately 6 other divorces, maybe more.  We are seeing internet and “Craig’s list sex” type of involvement more and more)	1
Incest (grandfather/ granddaughter). Caused divorce of grandparents (Thank God! You have no idea how often I see spouses of perps take up for them).	1
Drug Addiction (drugs played a part in several other divorces, too).  In these three cases, drug addiction was the stated ground for divorce.  Financial devastation reigned in all three…lost savings, foreclosure in one case, etc.	3
Domestic Violence (one was wife battering husband, repeatedly and undeniably)	6
Alcoholism (this were stated primary reasons—alcohol played a part in others)	6
Wife committed adultery	6
“Drift.”  This is the term I use when client says “We grew apart” or some such and there is no other visible cause.  To be truthful, rarely do I really believe this is the cause…”drift” often is a euphemism for something they don’t want to discuss, as I sometimes unhappily find out in trial.	9
NO. 1 REASON FOR DIVORCE:  Husband committed adultery	38

And, now, Survey Says: the No. 1 stated reason for divorce in my files is Cheatin’ Husbands!  I knew that would be the case before this tabulation, but even I was surprised by the margin.

And, yes, I represent cheaters, too.

Just an observation that came to me as I wrote this: Rarely do I see divorce after initial discovery of an affair if the cheater repents.  I cannot think of a case right now where someone “knee-jerked” a divorce action over a one-time fling and maintained it until final hearing.  It has been my experience that people are fairly forgiving of adultery if  there is change and repentance. 

On the other hand, my experience has been (and it may just be my sample) that people who cheat once during a marriage will usually do so again.  But, this may be a function of the fact that people who come to me because of cheating spouses are already fed up—I may just not get to see those who change their ways!

And, so you know, I do tend to represent more women than men.  Only 25% of these files were men, which did surprise me…didn’t realize my caseload was that woman-heavy!  Guess more women want a woman lawyer.  Again, this may skew my figures from the “norm,” but I am confident that the order of the causes would remain the same of any such list in our jurisdiction.

Back to Tipper and Al: they’re claiming “drift,” aren’t they?  Well, my cynicism and practiced eye tells me that’s not the whole story.  I’m going out on a limb here and predicting (on the worldwide web, no less) that because of the public’s eye on this couple, we’ll soon find out that their divorce will fall in that No. 1 category (you know, that 1999 “Al’s an Alpha male” comment and all)…time will tell.

And, really, I must say to Morning Edition that never—not in 31 years of family law practice—have I seen a case where the divorcing couple viewed it as a “celebration of life.”  Sheesh!

The Myth of the Right Partner

I believe in giving credit where credit is due, and Cynthia's post got me thinking about this. Anyway, I guess this post sort of piggybacks onto the story that Cynthia posted the other day.

Sometimes, when we find themselves dissatisfied in relationships, we assume that the problem is with our partners, and we think that all of our relationship problems would magically disappear and everything would be hunky-dory if we were just with the right person. That's known as the myth of the right partner (aka "the grass is always greener on the other side" delusion).

We need to keep in mind, however, that the other person isn't always the problem. Sometimes the problem is with the couple's relationship skills (or lack thereof). Sometimes we're the problem, as reluctant as we may be to admit that to ourselves.

The problem with subscribing to the myth of the right partner is that it can lead us to bounce from one relationship to another, always in search of that evasive "right" partner who we imagine will complete us, help us to have and enjoy the perfect, conflict-free relationship, and so on. It can also lead us to abandon relationships that may be salvageable without making very much of an effort to work on those relationships.

Fields of Rejection

They were, by all accounts a successful couple—not rich success, but happy, church-going and well-employed. They had all they needed and some to save for old age. Except for one thing. They had no children

BB was the leader of a home fellowship group for his church. He and SS opened their home each week to worship, pray and counsel with fellow church members. BB was an elder, in leadership and close communion with others in his church’s leadership. Everyone around them was praying for a child for this wonderful couple.

Then BB was hit with a revelation from God: He had no children because there were so many of God’s children without homes! He went to SS and told her. Reluctantly she agreed to take the several-month program of instruction and counseling in order to become eligible to adopt from child protective services. As they went through the program, SS still had her doubts, but she wanted a child and BB said “Think of all we can offer a child from this situation. He or she would have a stable home, and we could show the love of God to children who otherwise have no love at all.” She capitulated and they moved from discussions of “whether or not” to “boy or girl?”

The social worker knew of their discussions and hit them with a new idea: one of the hardest placements was for siblings in one home. Why not adopt a brother and sister? That way, they could have one of each. They viewed profile after profile and finally agreed on a group of three siblings, two boys and a girl, ranging in age from 2 years to 6. These children had only recently been taken from their mother and were the subjects of terrible neglect and abuse. The new parents’ hearts broke thinking of all these children had been through and of the relief and love they could offer. They formally adopted all three children and moved them into their newly-decorated bedrooms.

A year went by, and it became very apparent that these children were damaged beyond all prior estimation. Even the youngest, who was assumed to have little memory of her former life, had all kinds of issues and seemed to take up the bizarre behaviors of her elder siblings. BB traveled with his work, so often it was SS who had to deal alone with school expulsions, teacher conferences over playground fights, children who had very abnormal toilet habits both at home and at school and bizarre nighttime behaviors marked by hysterical outbursts and middle-of-the-night threats.

In their second year of adoption, a miracle occurred. SS was pregnant! Even the stress of dealing with her damaged brood did not dampen her enthusiasm, and the baby arrived healthy and to great fanfare. To everyone except the older siblings who worried and threatened and pouted. The stress began to compound.

As time went on, the problems with the children only increased. They each had psychiatric treatment regularly. It was nip-and-tuck that all children could stay in school. There was constant danger that one or all of them would be permanently expelled, creating a crisis of where to put them next. Worst of all, resentment against the youngest member of the household grew. The elder children began turning their self-destructive behaviors outward, toward their mother and her youngest child.

Learning the system, the older children began to report abuse by their mother. Time after time SS had to meet with child protective services to fend off charges against her that she was cruel to these children. There were dozens of reports. Not a single one of them was substantiated. All understood that these children were not truthful but were acting out of their hurt and wounds. Still, having child protective services knock at your door repeatedly and being on the defensive all the time takes its toll. SS soon found herself basically held hostage, afraid to discipline these children in any meaningful way for fear that it would be turned into an abuse charge.

This family toiled through the mayhem, taking each day and challenge one at a time. Although BB’s job required him to travel, it also allowed for some flexibility and off days put together so he could be involved in his children’s lives. He could spell his wife, so she could get her breath before he had to be gone again, and he willingly did so. They were making it.

But, then, the unthinkable happened.

BB came home from four days on the road. He strode through the house wordlessly and grabbed another suitcase to augment the one he had left in the car. He began to pack it with more clothing and a few personal items. Upon her demand, he turned and spoke the first words to his wife since he had entered their home:

“I’m leaving. I am not happy here. I have not been happy for a long, long time, and my life is marching by me. This life is doing me no good and in the long run it won’t do you any good either. I’m leaving so that we both can get on with our lives.”

SS was stunned beyond belief. She had no idea this was coming. Dealing with her life with a loving husband at her back was one thing, but doing it alone and through a veil of tears of hurt and loss was another. Fear gripped her. She begged her husband not to do this to her, to their children. He went on out the door. He did not answer her calls to his cell phone; he did not return her desperate voice messages.

It took her over a week to come to see me because of shock. Over a week without any word from the father of their household.

I told her there was another woman involved. Fact of Life: Men rarely abandon one nest without having another one prepared. She disputed. “He says there is no one else,” she still defended him.“He says it’s just that he’s ‘unhappy.' Besides, infidelity flies in the face of all that BB believes. It’s the stress with the kids causing this, I know.”

Right.Whatever you need to think to get you through…

Because BB traveled, getting him served with papers was a super challenge. It took us weeks. We tried everything. We called his employer, who was no help. BB”s mother either did not know where he was or would not tell. Finally, my resourceful client located him in a motel by sheer perseverance. We got him served. A month had gone by with no support from the major breadwinner in the home. Another month would go by before our court date.

And the stress in the household ratcheted up; it was reaching crescendo levels.

Even the most well-adjusted children feel the strain when one of their parents depart. Having Dad absent, having Mom heartbroken, having shoe-string budget with nothing extra for diversion was more than these little ones could take. The acting-out grew out of control. The eldest child was permanently expelled from school. The next two were on their way. Two of the children began talking about what they could do to Mom and her youngest in the middle of the night. Mom’s life turned into siege mode. I thought she would break. She had only her own devoted parents to help her. Who else would want to take these children off her hands, even for an afternoon?

And, don’t forget, Mom had to work each and every day. After all, she was now the sole breadwinner for her family. BB did not care even so much as to call and inquire or answer her calls, let alone send money their way.

Then SS did what would have been unimaginable to her in the past. She phoned the state agency and told them that she must return her adopted children. She did this without counsel from me because she had already spent her last nickel to hire me for her divorce. I stepped into the mix to find that she had made up her mind: she was going into survival mode, and she felt that the only one she could save was her youngest.

The three adopted children were returned to foster care. According to their therapists, they suffered unbelievable pain over this; really, I cannot begin to imagine. In most divorce cases, the children are damaged by fights over who gets to keep them. These children were tossed to the side: by one parent who felt she had no choice, by another to whom they mattered no longer.

I am at a loss for words at this.

SS had to face the judge in this case alone—BB was nowhere to be found in these legal proceedings. He let her take the anger of the Court and the shame alone. The judge railed at her that you cannot reject children “just because there are problems—families struggle through…” He was furious with her. She agreed with all he said--she just could not do it.

Later we found that BB was, indeed, involved with another woman. We found them holed up together in a motel room—with the other woman’s two children.

I cannot believe the devastation that this man’s lustful selfishness has caused. These poor children: abused and rejected by their birth mother; now rejected again by their adoptive family. What, on earth, will happen to them?

For what? So that BB can be “happy?” To the extreme unhappiness of every single person for whom he is responsible? What gives???

SS gave me permission to print this, although I have disguised her somewhat. The facts are true, sad to say. The drama is not yet over.

SS wanted me to use this story. She wanted at least one slim silver lining to the cloud her life has become. She wants others to hear and, perhaps, learn.

Learn what? Maybe this, in the wise words of none other than Jon Bon Jovi:

Map out your life;

but do it in pencil.

Realistic Expectations

The expectations we have for our partners and our relationships play an important part in the level of satisfaction we experience in our relationships, as well as the success or failure of our relationships. If we set our expectations too high, the result can be disappointment, dissatisfaction, and even the dissolution of the relationship as our partners and relationships fail to live up to our excessively high and unrealistic expectations.

Much has been written in the literature about how people's expectations for marriage today are much higher than they were in the past. Many people today expect so much from their marriages and their spouses that there's simply no way a real person or a real relationship can ever meet their naïve and inflated expectations. This is actually a major, but little discussed, factor in our nation's high divorce rate. It's actually quite common for people to expect their spouses to be their soul-mates…it's not sufficient to be a mere husband or wife…you also need to be a soul-mate who fulfills your spouse's every emotional need and who knows what your spouse is thinking without him or her needing to say a word, and that's asking a heck of a lot from a real person. The concept of a soul-mate makes for good romantic fiction, but I think that most family scientists would agree that, in real life, it's not realistic or fair to expect our spouses to be our soul-mates.

The message I want to impart here is not to have low expectations for one's romantic partners and relationships, but rather to have realistic expectations.