It's Not Me. It's You.

All too often, when we find ourselves feeling dissatisfied or experiencing problems in our relationships, we point fingers, place blame, and really start focusing on our partners and what we perceive to be their faults or shortcomings. We think to ourselves that if our partners were somehow different, if they would just change, if they would stop doing what they're doing, or start doing what they're not doing, our relationships would be better and we would be happier.

However, when we engage in such thinking, we disregard the role that we ourselves play in our relationships and the level of satisfaction or dissatisfaction that we experience in our relationships. To use a worn-out cliché, it takes two to tango. Relationship problems seldom result from the actions of one partner alone. Sometimes they do, but frequently, they don't.

Instead of focusing on what's wrong with our partners, and expecting and demanding that they change, maybe we should focus a bit less on our partners' faults, whether real or imagined, and focus a bit more on ourselves and our contributions to our relationships. We should ask ourselves questions such as, "How can I be a better partner in this relationship?" "What can I do to improve this relationship?" "How am I contributing to this problem?" A final suggestion is to keep our expectations regarding our partners and our relationships realistic. Real people and real relationships seldom match up to the ideals presented in romance novels, Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movies, and fairy tales.

The Myth of the Right Partner

I believe in giving credit where credit is due, and Cynthia's post got me thinking about this. Anyway, I guess this post sort of piggybacks onto the story that Cynthia posted the other day.

Sometimes, when we find themselves dissatisfied in relationships, we assume that the problem is with our partners, and we think that all of our relationship problems would magically disappear and everything would be hunky-dory if we were just with the right person. That's known as the myth of the right partner (aka "the grass is always greener on the other side" delusion).

We need to keep in mind, however, that the other person isn't always the problem. Sometimes the problem is with the couple's relationship skills (or lack thereof). Sometimes we're the problem, as reluctant as we may be to admit that to ourselves.

The problem with subscribing to the myth of the right partner is that it can lead us to bounce from one relationship to another, always in search of that evasive "right" partner who we imagine will complete us, help us to have and enjoy the perfect, conflict-free relationship, and so on. It can also lead us to abandon relationships that may be salvageable without making very much of an effort to work on those relationships.