SECFR Conference Schedule Is Available

Click here to view the schedule for the March 3-4 Southeastern Council on Family Relations conference in Birmingham, Alabama. 

Happy New Year!!!

January column in Parent News, Myrtle Beach, SC. www.parentnewsmagazine.com


ParentsCare

YOU Make The Difference!

Happy New Year!! I hope your holidays were great and you are ready to Jump Start your life anew! There may be no other time in recent history when being connected to family in good ways could be more important. I hate to start the new off talking about sad stuff, but the fact is, folks, there is way too much sad stuff all around us and in our lives. Hoping it will go away will not make it so, nor will we be able to turn everything into sunshine and roses, so we have to be able to accept some inevitable troubles and learn how best to cope and adjust. We adults are obligated to make sure that our children don’t end up being victims of bad times and bad behaviors because of bad times. During this coming year my hope is that when sadness attacks our lives without warning those attacks may in some way bring families closer together. Many families are already feeling the close ties draw even tighter and bind the members into a common caring and mutual desire to let all members know the full measure of their love. Examples are on TV and in our neighborhoods. They count this time as one of reflection and reevaluation arriving at the firm belief that what counts most is family and whatever comes, they will get through it together. That takes courage, strength and knowledge.

Without realizing it, a lot of adults are suffering from the stresses of the unknown. What will happen next? Will more angry and sick people bring death to our country and her people? Will I have a job next month? Will I be able to pay the rent? Will internet hackers become more of a factor to deal with? Will somebody steal my identity? The new car may have to wait, and the college account may have to serve the whole family.

We walk around every day with those and hundreds more thoughts hiding away from our conscious activity, trying to do our routine jobs and pretend that we aren’t worried.
Emotions run the gamut from denying our fears and anxieties to overreacting and supporting violence and judging and criticizing others. Most of us just try to get through each day, and when we are lying in bed at night trying to go to sleep, we are wearily grateful that we have.

Through all of this, stresses are beginning to mount and new emotions begin to present themselves. Tempers run even shorter. Irritability shouts out-of-place words of hurt to those we love the most. Patience is lost and depression sneaks into our senses. We may not want to get up in the morning. We may want to watch TV until the sun rises. We may even begin to behave in ways that say to others in our lives, “I don’t care, I’m too tired, what difference does it make, what’s the use anyway?”

If we let ourselves get to this depth we will be different people. We will be different parents than we were. And, our children will wonder “what the heck in going on here, anyway?” If we allow our “new” self to interact with children and other family members without being aware of the change, some unexpected damage in relationships might occur. We have to be open to the fact that we might indeed be stressed, depressed and different. It is crucial to family health that we adults remain as healthy as possible…recognizing problems, airing concerns, finding solutions and staying in charge.

We can. Here are some ideas as to what it takes.

We have talked many times about how important it is for parents to role model for their children. While it is correct that parents should be real and honest and open with their children, they should also pull every ounce of strength and courage and love and maturity together at times like these. It is vital to the health and continued good growth of the children that we do so. The first key to effective parenting is a healthy self. There was never a better time to show the healthy side of self.

That healthy side is first of all self awareness. Who am I really? Am I pretty effective as an adult, a child, a spouse, a worker, a parent? Am I still holding on to stuff from my childhood, still not loving my siblings like I would like to, or still not being as honest in my relationship with my mother and dad. Still jumping through hoops to please them? Do my own actions help make my life miserable, denying me of the inner strength and courage it takes to get me where I need to be as an individual? Do I respond to others’ ways of being with disability or with ability? Do I overreact, jump to conclusions, seek to blame and find fault to protect myself against my own shortcomings?

What is my attitude about myself, and my relationships with others? Do I think I am better, and if I do, do I throw it in their faces? Do I judge and measure success by what we “have” and not who we “are”? Do I seek to understand others and their ideas, their tastes, their culture, their sense of humor, or do I immediately turn away with obvious disdain?

I need to look in the mirror of self and see just who I am and who I am not and who I want and need to be. I need to eat better, exercise regularly and look at my “to do” list so I can start to reduce my stress level by knowing just what those stresses are. I want to reduce my schedule to a place where I can have “unhurried time” with my spouse, my children, my neighbor, my family.

I want to be the person I want others to be. I won’t expect more from others than I do from myself and I will not express disappointment if they don’t live up. I will be supportive and encouraging for the efforts they make to achieve or to improve their lot or make situations better. I need to forgive myself…take on a more positive attitude about myself and others, cooperate, reduce conflict and truly try to get along.

I want to observe myself in relationships, seeing how I treat others, how I settle conflicts and seeing if am I the one who creates the problems. I want to develop a plan of self renewal and find the person in me that has always been there but got left behind and covered up by years and layers of what and who others thought I should be. I want to finally be my true self and bring that person into this real world where I not only have to take care of myself but several others for whom I have great love. My family.


So, look inside. Then outside. What model are we projecting to the children, to the neighbors, to the workplace, to our family? Each and every family must remain strong and connected internally and with other families. This connection is what builds healthy communities and countries, like ours, so we see just how vital it is to start with the self.

Love of course is at the very root of successful families, but so many people define love in so many ways, and all of them are not good. It takes more than love. It takes the stuff of the healthy individual, awareness, self development, attitude, looking in the mirror, cleaning the closet. It takes a single person to show interest in, care for others, cooperation not conflict, genuine desire for connectedness with family members. And, we can bring all of this into the New Year with a spirit and commitment that will remain throughout the year, throughout the rest of life.

United Families! YOU individual parents are the leaders. YOU make the family work. Make it work even better this year…in love, in courage, in strength, in knowledge and in genuine care, and

Don’t lose heart!


Jim R. Rogers, M.Ed., CFLE
Parenting and Family Life Educator
still learning, inc.
www.stilllearning.org
ParentsCare@sc.rr.com

It's Election Time!

The Southeastern Council on Family Relations (SECFR) is currently accepting nominations for elected and appointed positions. For more information, see our call for nominations. 

SECFR Newsletter Now Online

The fall issue of the SECFR newsletter is now online.  Click the link to read  Fall 2010 SECFR Newsletter

SECFR Social

The SECFR social at the NCFR conference in Minneapolis was a big success.  We didn't take a head count, but the room was packed to the brim with people interacting and having a good time.  We'll plan another affiliate get-together for the 2011 NCFR conference in Orlando. 

SECFR Social at the NCFR Conference

If you're planning to attend the NCFR conference in Minneapolis, you're invited to the Southeastern Council on Family Relations social on Thursday, November 4, from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. The event will take place in Marquette Room 5. This is a great opportunity to mingle with friends, students, and professionals from around the Southeast. Beverages and hors d’oeuvres will be provided.

Same As It Ever Was

And you may ask yourself, "How did I get here?"

From the outset, I need to make it clear that I'm not complaining in this post. I wouldn't trade being a parent for anything in the world. Being a father and a husband are, by far, the most rewarding roles in my life. Having covered myself (I hope), I'll proceed.



Building and maintaining healthy marriages is the theme of a seminar I'm teaching this semester.  In the seminar, I really emphasize the value of having realistic expectations. Anyway, on Wednesday, our focus was the parenthood-marriage relationship.  Knowing that many, if not most of my students, tend to romanticize (over-romanticize perhaps) parenthood, I began by talking about the fairly dramatic changes you experience when you have children.  My list included the usual suspects:

• Less money
• More stress/worry
• Less free/"me" time
• Less couple time (and a decline in marital satisfaction for many)
• Less sleep/rest/relaxation

However, I wanted my students to also be prepared for the one thing that no one ever told me about and that I never read about in a textbook or "how-to" parenting book:  How incredibly routine life can become once children arrive on the scene.  As a married father of three, occasionally I will be struck by the realization that every day is almost exactly like the day before.  Typically, when this realization hits me, I concurrently think of the words to the Talking Heads song "Once in a Lifetime."  Although there's a bit more variation on the weekends, during the work week, there's not much to distinguish one day from the next, other than the shows we watch on television in the evenings.  On the upside, research suggests that things such as routine, predictability, and stability are important for healthy child development.  If that's the case, my children ought to be developing nicely! 

Anyway, in our marriage and family life courses, when we talk about things to keep in mind when considering having children, we should probably also mention the routinization of family life.  Just a thought.

Date Night

Last night was our date night. My husband and I have been married 13 years and we know more than ever just how important it is to get away from the drudgery of the house and kids and just spend time together having fun. We had the sitter all lined up, the kids knew the drill—we even had the movie and restaurant picked out. After the weekend of cleaning the yard, planting flowers, trimming trees, and assembling a hammock, my husband lovingly looked into my eyes and said “if you are too tired, we can just rent a movie and eat doughnuts”. He knows me. I love that he knows me.

We schlepped into the car, I in my sweat pants and he with our 6 year-old in hand, and off we went to find a lazy alternative to our date night. We chose Date Night--the movie with Steve Carell and Tina Fey playing Mr. and Mrs. Foster. Did we see the irony in that choice? Of course we did! Did that add to the insane amount of laughter that we enjoyed for the remainder of that evening? In deed.

Once the kids were in bed, we settled into our reclining couch chairs where we each reached across the non-reclining center seat in order to hold hands. As the movie started, we eagerly anticipated a great comedic escape. Instead, however, we saw ourselves. The movie starts with small children jumping into the bed of two overly tired parents. Been there, done that. In fact, I started my morning much that very same way—the only difference was that my daughter had actually been in bed with me for the entire night, so she didn’t get the running start.

The next scene, and this is where we knew we had to scoot even closer, was when the babysitter showed up at their house. Both parents had forgotten that this was “date night”, and both were so tired, they pretty much wanted to stay home. Unlike the Allen’s that took the lazy night, the Fosters practiced a heck of a lot of positive self talk and headed into the city for an amazing night on the town.

From there, our night, as well as the Foster's night, turned into an amazing range of events--some that look and feel exactly like our normal life mixed with exaggerated events that would simply never happen in real life…to anyone, not even the Fosters. It did, however, give us the chance to laugh really, really hard. We almost even felt bad for waking up the kids with our laughter. Two times.

I study relationships. That’s my job. I know statistically just how important it is to spend time rekindling those old flames and making new memories that support relationship goals. I know that it is very important to simply have fun with my partner. What I know and what I do at home, however, are not always the same. Sometimes life is just really hectic and hard, and I don't always take the time to just relax and have fun. This time it worked out. I was reminded in the nicest way that date night can be anything from a simple movie in sweat pants on a reclining couch that results in laughing so loud and hard that every child in the house wakes up to come and check on their mom, only to discover tears of joy streaming down her face. Spending fun time together makes us happier, helps us feel better connected to our partner, and is good our relationships.


As they say--the cost of the rental movie and Krispy Crème doughnuts--$10. Cost of a night of extreme laughter, rekindled love and a lazy date night with my best friend—priceless

What’s the name of your class?

So my 9 year old daughter was getting ready for her first day of art camp when I realized I had one more form to fill out. I asked her “what’s the name of your class?” She thought for a moment, then answered “I think I’m middle class, mom, but you should know what class we are in. Besides, I don’t think it should matter what class I’m in for art camp!”

At first, I began to chuckle when I heard her answer and I thought, we’ll how clever that she knows her class system. Then I thought… how sad that she knows her own class system. The more I thought about it, the more I realized just how middle class this whole situation was.

Annette Lareau talks about children and class and the difference in parenting styles and class in her new book, Unequal Childhoods. In that book, Laureau explains that in middle class, parents cultivate their children whereas in working class and poor families, parents allow for natural growth.

In middle class families, children have a voice and parents encourage discussion and input in the decision making process. It is common for these parents to engage in regular discussions and decision-making patters with their kids. Moreover, middle class families believe that in order for children to be successful in their careers, they need to train their children in how to be successful in industry. So they sign their kids up for camps, sports, arts, and a variety of other educational activities and all the while talking with their children, inquiring “what did you learn at camp today” and “what activities were most enjoyable to you?” Children from middle class families have the advantage of exposure to child-friendly (ie camp & school) systems that mirror the work systems in which they will engage as adults.

Lareau points out that parents from working classes and poverty love their children the same, care for them physically is much the same way, but these families tend to see development as a natural process and do not see it as a parent’s job to intervene in that natural process. Children from these families are commonly sent outside to play with their kin and neighbors, and have much less adult intervention in their activities. Parents also tend to ask fewer questions and they expect their children to be responsible for their own sense of adventure and happiness. This is in part due to a lack of resources, but for the most part, it is the parenting philosophy that children do better when they are free to grow naturally. These children have the advantage of knowing their neighbors and having the ability to be creative and self-reliant.

In Lareau’s view, this creates a disadvantage for children of lower economic status as these children do not have the exposure and practice in formalized, institutional settings that are full of practice interactions for the working world. The school system is set up for the children of middle class to succeed—teachers engage with the students much like middle class parents interact with their kids. There are questions about activities, opinions and events that children from the lower economic levels are just not used to.

This isn’t to say that one parenting style is better than the other. Lareau is clear to point out the flip side is that children from lower classes are typically happier, less tired and have fewer conflict with their siblings. However, in terms of preparation for a successful career in the current US work force, cultivating parenting has the advantage.

As a parent, this makes me torn. I want my kids to have the experience I did—I want them to be outside with the neighborhood kids creating something out of nothing and truly enjoying life. But I also want them to be prepared for success in adulthood. Moreover, I don’t think it healthy for me to spend all of my mental and physical free time scheduling, transporting and making my universe revolve around their activities. As with most things in life, I think there is room for balance. Art camp was good—I needed to be at work and my daughter needed that cultivation. However, when camp was over, I told her to go outside, find a neighbor and to be home by dinner.


By Kim Allen, PhD
Assistant Professor and Extension Specialist
North Carolina State University
Kimberly_allen@ncsu.edu

Lareau, A. (2003). Unequal childhoods: Class, race and family life. Los Angeles: University of California Press.

National Hispanic Heritage Month

September 15-October 15 is National Hispanic Heritage Month.  For more information, click here.